Slap!

Wow getting home is a bit like a slap in the face.  I am trying very hard to be present with the process but I am overwhelmed.  I have be alone all week.  Free to sit and think about nothing, or something.  Free to read a book, of which I read several.  Writing in a journal, about what I am doing or random thoughts.  Free to eat, drink and sleep when I wanted.  Free to walk on the beach or sit and do nothing.  Free to laze in a hammock or in my bed.

Returning to my normal life, nothing seems quite normal.  Kids are yelling and talking and misbehaving or being sweet.  There is bath time, snack time, teeth brushing, story reading and tucking in.  Preparing snacks and lunches for the next day.   Don't stay up to late because it all starts early tomorrow.  None of this seems normal.

It is going from serenity to chaos.  The question is how to merge the two?  Can I?  I want to, need to feel how I felt while I was away.  But I also want and need the buzz of family life - I love my kids!   How do I bring the calming and exciting experiences to my family and to my real life.  I feel as if my trip was some how life altering, how come nobody sees it?  Shouldn't my family be able to tell that I'm different?  After all I noticed something different about each of them.  I guess these are all lessons in being present.  You cannot bring the past to the future, merge lives or anything like that.  However you can try to be present in each moment and notice the beauty in all of them. 

Still trying to maintain myself in all of this chaos sometimes seems impossible.  I look for and crave that escape.  This has nothing to do with not loving my children or wanting to be with them, or even wanting more.  It has more to do with losing myself in all of this.  I've found the past 24 hours of being home I feel angry, frustrated and tired.  I should feel calm, happy and refreshed - but I don't.  I had a wonderful trip but it seems as if I left that wonderful feeling on the tarmac or maybe even at the beach. 

I want to feel wonderful again.  At the beach I felt nothing but love and light.  Love for myself and light within me.  I made plenty of self discoveries that need to come to fruition.  But how?  Some of these will mean drastic changes for my life and some small.  Change is good - this is how we grow and learn.  Until then I need to practice being present in my home