Saying so long...

I am the kind of person who gets attached to people.  The girlfriend who breaks up with you and says "let's be friends" but actually means it.  The person who is deeply betrayed but forgives and moves on.  Someone who is deeply saddened when she loses touch with a friend or close acquaintance. 

I once did some work with a woman about 15 years ago who taught me how to learn about myself in meditation, who taught me that it was OK if bad thoughts, sadness, tears and even joy came from my mediation practice.  That mediation was not just sitting but that mediation could also be a learning experience into your mind and your soul.  If we dig deep enough we are able to find out why we are a certain way and why we behave a certain way in some situations.  It was through this process of mediation, and question from this teacher after meditation that I learned why I am so attached to people.

I had many relationship breakdowns or "letdowns" starting from the time I was born.  Through meditation I discovered that this is why I hold on to relationships whether they are good for me or not.  This is also however the same reason why I never get too close.  I am always just a little bit guarded and this does not matter if I have known you all my life, we are kindred spirits or really good friends.

Here I am now faced with another relationship that is ending, and I'm not doing a very good job.  My guitar teacher is moving to another country to be with his girlfriend.  I am very happy for him!  When people find love and grab it by the horns and don't let distance stop them, I find that very admiring.  I am however finding it very hard to accept that he is leaving.  I have not booked another teacher and last night I made a comment to him about leaving me...  he sarcastically said "don't make me feel guilty".  I of course took that home with me and had to think about it.  Why if I am happy for him would I say something that could offend him?   I do have a secret crush on him (although not so secret now).  Not the kind of crush that I would ever do anything about.  More the type of crush that makes you brush your hair and put on lip gloss before you leave the house.  He is an excellent teacher and I have learned a lot from him.  He a a really nice and very smart guy whom I genuinely like.  He has helped me with my web site, with twitter and other Apple related things and I have appreciated it so much.  But, instead of being upset about his departure and making stupid comments, I should now be trying to learn as much as I can before our last lesson.

Instead of me simply saying to him, that's great that you are doing something for you,  I appreciate the teachings you have given me, and I have learned so much.  I chose to make sarcastic comments about him leaving.  Now that's not very yogic - but at least I know why.  Next week we have our last lesson and I will not make silly little comments about his departure.  I will thank him for the lessons and wish him well on his journey.  I will focus on what he has left to teach me and be on my way  I will practice non-attachment and although the letting go of the lessons and weekly meeting is not my choice, I can chose to let go of the thoughts and the ideas of the teacher student relationship and move on.  History shows me that you can learn more from multiple teachers and maybe finding a new teacher will be good for me and my guitar.  I will also exercise compassion and understanding as I am sure it must be difficult to leave his home, his friends and his family.  Even though it is his decision and he is leaving for a wonderful reason, that does not always make it easy.

So when I say good luck, thank you and can we still be friends I will mean every word!

Hari Om,
Jennifer