Thursday, November 25, 2010 Letting Go... I am noticing a pattern with some of my blog posts as well as some of the philosophy of yoga that I love - non-attachment. I guess it's because I am not very good at it. I wish I could be but so far not so great. Sure I can get rid of clothes that don't fit so well or shoes that I don't love. But sentimental items that belonged to my grandmothers or were given to me by some long lost relative or friend I could do better. Recently the big one that keeps coming up for me is old relationships.
I am of an age where I have had lots of different kinds of relationships in my life. Friends, lovers, colleagues that kind of thing. I don't let go of friends or ex's very well. I am one of those people in a relationship who when she says "let's stay friends" I meant it and hold to it. My boyfriend from high school/university and I still chat with each other every couple of months and I love that. I was genuinely excited for him when he told me his and his girlfriend were having a baby and then a while later when they got engaged. I still hold a spot in my heart for him and want to know and hear that he is happy and doing well. I have another old boyfriend that I speak to every so many months and it is great. We chat on the phone as if there hasn't been many years, children and relationships that have happened. Again I am happy for him when he is happy and sad for him when he is sad. Both of these men hold a certain place for me and I can't fully let it go.
I have had as any grown ups do friendships that have ended either because of circumstances or deliberately and I think about them often. It bothers me that a relationship that has been nurtured, cared for, laughed over, cried with and been silly with would end. These are the people that you can't call and say - "hey wanna grab a coffee". These are the ones I can't let go of. I have one in particular that ended almost 5 years ago. We were great friends and lives an priorities changed and along with it our personalities and other things. Within that a misunderstanding and very different perspectives on what happened. I have tried so many things to let this person go. I have meditated, I have cried, I have written letters never to be sent, I have imagined saying goodbye, I have sent them loving kindness (this actually worked for a couple of months). Something happens, either a song or a photograph or a mutual acquaintance will ask how they are and boom - I feel like I am at square one.
Stuff is easy to let go of. I can give it away, throw it out or donate it. Feelings, emotions and relationships - those are hard.
Jennifer is an RMT, long time yoga practitioner and teacher. Follow her musings as an RMT, yoga teacher, prenatal educator and mother of three.