I am now in the aftermath of my grandmothers passing and am still wondering what to do with myself. I feel so lucky to have so many children around me all the time. So full of energy, so full of life. Even still I find myself in fits of tears, in the middle of a meal or watching a show. I try to fall asleep but am unable because my mind starts to race and I start to cry. So instead I get up and do things to keep my mind off of why I am so sad. Eventually I do find sleep, it is deep and fast but not necessarily restful. When I wake up my mind turns on again and my tears start to flow.
The next week will bring many tasks that will both keep my mind off and set my mind to it. We will visit a friend of mine who is a florist . She will add a personal touch to flowers from my mother and from my children. I think I will chose blue as it was my Nan's favorite colour. This task I am sure will elicit more tears because we've known our friend the florist most of our life.
My mom has asked me to put together some music selections for a service that will happen next Saturday. I have over 2000 songs on my Ipod and music is my thing. I even contemplated playing guitar at the service but I don't think I am up for it. My grandmother loved Amazing Grace so I must have listened to about 10 versions yesterday just to find the perfect one and I think I did. The woman singing has the softest, most gentle voice. I know Nan would have thought it was pretty.
Writing a eulogy has got to be the most difficult. How do you sum up how important a person was to you in a 5 to 10 minute reading. I think I have tried to write it a few times but the words just don't seem perfect enough. My grandmother was my mother and my friend and I loved her. Even that short sentence sounds perfect but it some how seems inadequate for the amazing person that she was to me.
So for now I talk with my mom, we cry and we distract. I talk to some of my friends and the same thing happens. I appreciate that I am surrounded by my children. Who my Nan also loved and who loved her too.
Jennifer is an RMT, long time yoga practitioner and teacher. Follow her musings as an RMT, yoga teacher, prenatal educator and mother of three.