I am leaving for a trip to Thailand in a couple of weeks. I will be leaving my husband and my children behind whilst I lay on the beach, meditate, practice yoga, eat good food and drink a little beer. I will hike, see sights and enjoy every moment just drinking it in.
The other day my brother asked me if I was going to Thailand to find myself. He was joking and I replied back, that I didn't think I was lost. Now I'm starting to wonder if he isn't just a little bit right?
I am currently discovering that I am at a crossroads in my life. I feel stuck between what I really want to do and because of certain life choices, what I can do.
My last child heads to school in a year and a half. I am happy for her that she will be doing this, she is already ready for it. Her going to school negates my necessity to stay home as a full time mom. I will no longer be needed in the home all the time caring for children and caring for our home. However I do still want to be the mom who is home when they step off the bus and who is available for class trips and to volunteer in the school when needed. I still want and intend to be the ever present mom.
Currently I am running a home day care. It is a crazy life. Trying to manage caring for my own three children, our home and two babies who are just one year old. We are always on the run. From one play date to another or just from one room to another. Our life is extremely structured but also totally insane. I chose to do home day care as a means to be home with my children and to be able to help out with our expenses at the same time. But to be honest it is not a mentally fulfilling job. I want to be doing something else when all of my kids are in school full time but figuring out exactly what that could and should be is becoming a challenge.
So I am trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up I guess. I LOVE teaching yoga but am not sure if I can do it full time and make enough money. I've been thinking about real estate but I think that will take me too far away from my family on evenings and week-ends. I've thought about learning an alternative therapy but I'm not sure which, how or how much it will cost. I've even considered getting a part time desk job for the hours that my children are in school. I know that I want something fulfilling that makes me happy and lets me be with my children.
So my intention of this trip was not to "find myself" but I think that being away from my real life for a few days may help me discover what my true self really wants.
Jennifer is an RMT, long time yoga practitioner and teacher. Follow her musings as an RMT, yoga teacher, prenatal educator and mother of three.